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Although it is not a question I tend to ask during therapy, I am always interested when a client with at least two children states they do not have a favourite child. It is good to hear, however when I ask who their parents’ favourite child was, they nearly always offer a different answer.
The relationships we develop, or lack, with the most important adults in our life from birth is crucial. This is usually, but not always one of our parents. It has a direct effect on our ability to form healthy relationships with others and is one of the most important factors in defining our personality and mental health. Some therapists refer to this as Attachment theory. Copying and learning from a primary caregiver is a fundamental building block to life. Yet children are not simply a sponge. They are active learners who will internalise and practice these lessons in a way which is particular to them. Many will grow up to have a Secure Attachment. This means that by and large they are good at maintaining relationships. It does not mean they will not be exasperated or hurt by others. However, they can recognise and protect themselves from hurtful relationships and take responsibility for their own actions. They have developed a healthy level of self-worth. Unfortunately, they are vulnerable to being manipulated by others. Some of us will develop an Insecure Attachment. This means we lack the ability to trust that relationships, and our role in them, can be successful or that we can be happy and safe. Here are a few statements we may recognise in ourselves or others: “Relationships always fail; it is better to be prepared because it always happens.” “I have never been listened to. No-one cares what I think.” “They will finally see that I am not good enough and find someone else.” “I do not deserve to be happy.” These are examples of Insecure Attachments. We cannot trust our own potential to be happy in a relationship. We have the power to change this but most of us do not believe in our ability to do so. Successful therapy helps develop a sense of self-worth and our ability to trust and enjoy loving healthy relationships. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you.
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It is easy to label a bully a coward. They manipulate, undermine and humiliate. The label may be correct, but it does not offer an insight into how to deal with them. Instead, it may be useful to consider a bully for what they are: an immature and unruly child who is constantly trying to gain the approval of an imaginary parent.
You may recognise two types of bully; the first is easily recognisable. They will constantly undermine, verbally attack, and humiliate their victim in front of others. One becomes increasingly anxious about what they are going to do or say next. The second type is more subtle. They can initially present as caring for everyone. However, listening to their language offers insight into their true behaviour: “Look what I am doing for everyone.”. Constantly expecting thanks and compliments but ignorant to issues. When this type of bully is appropriately challenged, they may be initially dismissive. When the challenge continues, they will become just as aggressive as the other bully type. What links both types of bully is the immature behaviour they display when appropriately challenged. Their body language becomes defensive. You may notice they ignore you even when you are part of the group. I am always reminded of a petulant child who is not getting what they want. They may act like a petulant child, but you are not their parent. It is understandable to continually reflect on why they are picking on you. However, this can promote an idea of helplessness. Perhaps it is more constructive to consider how they are affecting you and how to counteract their behaviour. Try to consciously stay calm during interactions regardless of how you feel inside. Do not feed their drama but do not submit to it either. If you feel confident enough, reflect that you find their tone and behaviour inappropriate. Continue with this response even when their drama intensifies. This will intimidate the bully and make them question the power they thought they have over you. If you are a union member, contact your representative or official to explore a strategy. Therapy can help you process what the experience is doing to your self-worth and how to overcome feelings of anxiety and stress. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. The confidence we have interacting with others is initially determined by our upbringing and the level of self-worth we have developed.
As an adult, it is healthy to be treated as an equal by others and to treat them the same. In other words, we want to be treated with respect. Sometimes someone is continually telling us what to do or trying to take care of us. This can make us feel childlike and lack control. It can be supportive, but we do not want to be stuck feeling like the “Child” in a relationship. Sometimes we feel someone is treating us like a “Child”. This can result in feeling patronised, controlled or bullied. We can also become the “Parent” in a relationship by dominating decision making. This can help us lead projects or take care of someone. However, we do not want to feel that we are constantly responsible for other adults. Also, those who continually want us to take charge or care for them may be manipulating the situation to get what they want. In other words, they make us the “Parent”. It can be difficult to step back and ask another adult to take ownership of their responsibilities. When interacting with other adults there are two aspects to consider; the first is that our personality determines our initial responses. We may feel anxious, annoyed, dismissive etc. The second is the other person’s behaviour. This is determined by their personality. It is healthier to concentrate on our own feelings and behaviour. This can be difficult. A colleague may be constantly asking for support or compelling us to take control like a demanding “Child”. A partner may constantly make us feel like a “Child” when discussing important issues. Regardless of the other person’s behaviour and the way we feel inside, try to consciously stay in the “Adult” role. Stay calm and objective. This will help keep the balance of power equal. Initially, we may find the other person’s behaviour becoming even more desperate because their approach is no longer working. By keeping in the “Adult” role, we develop confidence within ourselves. For more information on these ideas, you can search online for a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. |
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