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During counselling sessions, a client* kept stating she “wanted to move on”. When I asked how do you move on if you have not acknowledged and understood the issue, she would simply reply “But I want to move on.”. Her distress reminded me of current attitudes towards negative thoughts and feelings which seem to be fashionable with self-help experts; techniques to “fix” your life, focus on the positives, build “resilience” to adverse experiences.
These are admirable goals but no one ever mentions how the negative feelings are supposed to be resolved. Where are they supposed to go? We may concentrate on positive mantras and sidestep our feelings but they will still be there. They can fester below the surface and influence our behaviours. We may get annoyed at ourselves when they re-appear at inappropriate moments. We may lash out at others and/or develop a pattern of self-blame and guilt due to an entrenched sense of self-denial. This may have a long-term effect on our health. Negative feelings are important. They tell us that there is something wrong in our lives. They invite us to stop and consider what is going on and how it is affecting us. Exploring, understanding and processing feelings ourselves can be difficult. This is where therapy can help. Therapy can help you accept this is how you feel. It is not giving in; it is recognising where you are and that you have the right to feel this way, at this time, while acknowledging it is hurting your life. From there you may consider how it affects your life and if this is a pattern of behaviour. Understanding patterns helps to identify the root causes for behaviours and feelings. We are not simply broken and waiting to be fixed. Something has led us to feel and behave this way. We have the right to explore why, while being kind to ourselves. This is not wallowing in self-pity. It is long-term self-care. By properly processing your thoughts, feelings and behaviours in therapy, you offer yourself the opportunity to process your pain and heal in the best way for you. You will [re]develop your own sense of self-worth. This can be the foundation for long-term positive mental health. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. *The client has given permission for this information to be used.
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Many will have lost their jobs recently or facing uncertainty. I would like to suggest some organisations for support.
Money Worries The major issue for most who find themselves unemployed. There are excellent organisations and websites that offer free, impartial and reliable advice, for example Citizens Advice Bureau and the Money Advice Service (online). Some of these organisations will advocate on your behalf if necessary. The Scottish and UK government websites are also there to support as well as your local council. Many local areas have charities, initiatives and social enterprise companies who may be able to offer localised support. Search on social media pages or try websites such as Aliss. Jobcentres and claiming benefit Jobcentres are there to help you if; you lose your job, too ill or disabled to work at this time, caring for young children or a loved one who is very ill. Jobseeker’s Allowance and Employment and Support Allowance are still available to those who qualify but most will apply for Universal Credit. Benefits do not pay much. However, Universal Credit offers potential entitlement to other support such as help towards Council Tax, your rent, some dental costs etc. Much of the support offered by the UK and Scottish governments is conditional to you being in receipt of benefit, especially Universal Credit. Jobcentres will help you back to work by introducing you to organisations that may support you. They offer some funding for training, but it is very limited in scope and amount. Jobcentre work coaches will always be looking to move you into work regardless of the income you may be expecting. This is UK Government policy. Skills Development Scotland The Scottish Government has responsibility for education, training and employment in Scotland. This is currently delivered by devolving some responsibility to local councils, and by contracting charities and private organisations. For advice on training, employment and long-term career goals, Skills Development Scotland (SDS) is their primary organisation. They have professionally trained careers advisers who can support you, regardless of your age or employment status. They are also responsible for PACE which supports redundancies. You can contact SDS for more information. Local government Councils in Scotland are responsible for administering much of the employment support on behalf of the Scottish Government. In Glasgow this is provided by Jobs and Business Glasgow among others. Check with your local council to see how they offer practical support. Useful Websites Money Worries & applying for benefits Money Advice Service www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk Citizens Advice Scotland www.cas.org.uk Money Matters (Glasgow) www.moneymattersweb.co.uk ALISS: Connecting Communities www.aliss.org UK Government www.gov.uk Scottish Government www.gov.scot Glasgow City Council www.glasgow.gov.uk Employment, Training and Education & becoming self employed Skills Development Scotland www.skillsdevelopmentscotland.co.uk Jobs and Business Glasgow www.jbg.org.uk Business Gateway www.bgateway.com As a result of the past few months, many will have lost their jobs or facing job uncertainty. Having worked in the mental health and employment industries for many years now, I would like to offer some thoughts to consider.
Should you treat your job search like a job? I must be honest, having worked in the employment industry for over 20 years, I cringe when I hear people say this. I understand they are trying to be helpful, but it always sounds patronising. There are aspects of job search that take a lot of hours, there are other parts where there is a lot of initial work and then it is a case of ticking over. Email address Your email address should only reflect your name, not the team you support or your life view. Do not add your date of birth for security. Create another email for job search only if necessary. It does not take that long. Social Media LinkedIn is useful to register and promote yourself if you are a professional. There are also lots of jobs on there. However, an employer will search for you on social media websites to see what type of person you are like in real life, so be careful of what you upload; don’t slag off your former employer. CV Takes a lot of initial effort and is what one might call a living document; it should be tailored to every job one applies for. If an employer is not hooked within five seconds of reading, it will be discarded:
Large institutions use application forms because they have to demonstrate to shareholders or tax payers they adhere to certain corporate values. Application forms take a lot of time and effort; eg, an application form for a junior manager in the civil service should take 10 – 20 hours plus, over four to five days:
www.youtube.com A wonderful resource for job interview techniques etc. It is very "American" at times but you will learn to sell yourself properly, which can be difficult for us Scots. www.myworldofwork.co.uk A fabulous resource for job interview techniques, creating your first ever CV etc. May feel a bit patronising because it is designed for 15 year olds, but I recommend it very much. www.TED.com Not for everyone, but like YouTube offers speeches in confidence and lifestyle. www.indeed.com The biggest recruitment website www.s1jobs.com Hugely popular in Scotland www.myjobscotland.gov.uk Public sector jobs in Scotland www.goodmoves.com Third sector (charity & social enterprise) jobs in Scotland Third sector jobs in Scotland As a result of the past few months, many will have lost their jobs or be facing job uncertainty. Having worked in the mental health and employment industries for many years now, I would like to offer some thoughts to consider.
Why me? There are many things in life which we can control; this is not one of them. There is nothing you can do about this. Yet many will feel a sense of responsibility, and anxiety. This is natural, but if allowed to fester can cause long-term issues. There is always a part of us that feels anxious and scared, like a child. This may come to the fore in these circumstances. Be kind to yourself. Regularly talk with yourself, a trusted family member or friend. A client once told me she writes down negative statements about herself. I suggested that for every negative statement, she then writes a positive statement underneath. It can be about your skills, your achievements, or if you enjoyed a chat with a friend. It does not have to be written at the same moment. This helps balance the inevitable negative feelings you may be experiencing. Keeping to a routine. Keeping to a routine will help keep track of the day and your goals, and reflects the working day of your industry. Get up at your normal time for work, lunch at the same time etc. Try not to drink on a “school night”. Keep to a normal routine. If you have lapses, then that is okay. Start the next day with your original intention. You may find it difficult to sleep. Mindfulness techniques can help. Go to bed fifteen minutes earlier than usual and listen to a mindfulness app. Do this at least four times per week. You can download free mindfulness apps on Google Play or Apple App Store. Goals & confidence Make your goals achievable and believe in your abilities. Do not set yourself up to fail. Confidence will be understandably low or at least brittle. Prepare for success but understand there may be rejection. Recruitment relies on more people losing out on an opportunity than being successful. This is not your fault. If you feel your anxieties or bouts of low mood are too strong and for too long, contact your GP for support. It is not failure; it is taking care of yourself. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. Useful Websites NHS Scotland https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/ Brothers in Arms https://www.brothersinarmsscotland.co.uk/ LGBT Helpline Scotland https://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/services-support/lgbt-mental-health/lgbt-helpline-scotland/ Maternal Mental Health Scotland https://maternalmentalhealthscotland.org.uk/ Breathing Space https://breathingspace.scot/ As we move towards the latter phases of social rules for quarantine, most of us are considering how we are going to get back to work and our children back to school. Here are some thoughts for supporting your children.
Children up to and around the age of 12 It is reassuring to believe that children are resilient and get over things quickly. However, children are more complicated than this. They are intimately aware of what is going on around them, especially the reactions and feelings of their loved ones. They internalise and process this information before developing their own responses. These responses are the building blocks of a developing personality. Some therapists call this Attachment theory. It may be helpful to regularly discuss what is going on without using alarming language. Be honest but reassuring; acknowledge the feelings they may have and do not dismiss them. Find out from the school, nursery and childcare the proposed process of how it plans to open and discuss this with your children so they can visualise what will happen. Include their travel arrangements. Humans need to feel safe and supported. Nothing gives greater reassurance than hugging your children. Teenage children Psychologists suggest that teenagers continue their psychological and emotional development but are not yet fully developed. They have the capacity to understand but perhaps not yet the life experience to support their considerations. Their behaviours can seem extreme or disengaged because their brains are developing at an accelerated pace. There are excellent websites to support teenagers understand anxiety, stress and depression and offer appropriate and safe support. Humans are family based social creatures. To be physically near is to feel safe. Check in with your teenage children regularly even if they do not want to talk. Ask how they are feeling. Be honest about how you feel while remembering they are still children and emotionally vulnerable. They may not show it; however, their developing personalities will be exposed to a positive and secure environment. Offer and be willing to listen at any time in a non-judgemental way. Non-judgement does not mean non-boundaried. And of course, nothing gives greater reassurance than hugging your children. Teenagers can make this difficult, but at an important emotional level they will internalise and appreciate this display of love and safety. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. As we move towards the latter phases of quarantine, many of us are considering how we are going to feel safe outside. Here are some thoughts you may find helpful.
A Secure Base For most, our home represents a place of safety, where we feel most comfortable. Unfortunately, this is not the case for all of us. However, even for those who feel unsafe, it takes an enormous amount of emotional and psychological energy to make a change especially if it feels dangerous. Some therapists call this our Secure Base; for better or worse it is the place we know and understand. The past few months have been emotionally traumatic. As a result, we may hold onto our secure base a little too tightly. Most of us are creatures of habit. Once we have internalised beliefs and behaviours it becomes very difficult to change, even if we understand it may be for the better. Life outside your home Here are some thoughts for preparation:
There are excellent websites that can help. For long-term support, consider appropriate therapy. If you feel your anxieties or bouts of low mood are too strong and for too long, contact your GP for support. It is not failure; it is taking care of yourself. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. Useful Websites NHS Scotland https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health The Counselling Directory www.counselling-directory.org.uk LGBT Helpline Scotland https://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/services-support/lgbt-mental-health/lgbt-helpline-scotland/ Give Us a Shout www.giveusashout.org Maternal Mental Health https://maternalmentalhealthscotland.org.uk/ LGBT Helpline Scotland https://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/services-support/lgbt-mental-health/lgbt-helpline-scotland/ Although it is not a question I tend to ask during therapy, I am always interested when a client with at least two children states they do not have a favourite child. It is good to hear, however when I ask who their parents’ favourite child was, they nearly always offer a different answer.
The relationships we develop, or lack, with the most important adults in our life from birth is crucial. This is usually, but not always one of our parents. It has a direct effect on our ability to form healthy relationships with others and is one of the most important factors in defining our personality and mental health. Some therapists refer to this as Attachment theory. Copying and learning from a primary caregiver is a fundamental building block to life. Yet children are not simply a sponge. They are active learners who will internalise and practice these lessons in a way which is particular to them. Many will grow up to have a Secure Attachment. This means that by and large they are good at maintaining relationships. It does not mean they will not be exasperated or hurt by others. However, they can recognise and protect themselves from hurtful relationships and take responsibility for their own actions. They have developed a healthy level of self-worth. Unfortunately, they are vulnerable to being manipulated by others. Some of us will develop an Insecure Attachment. This means we lack the ability to trust that relationships, and our role in them, can be successful or that we can be happy and safe. Here are a few statements we may recognise in ourselves or others: “Relationships always fail; it is better to be prepared because it always happens.” “I have never been listened to. No-one cares what I think.” “They will finally see that I am not good enough and find someone else.” “I do not deserve to be happy.” These are examples of Insecure Attachments. We cannot trust our own potential to be happy in a relationship. We have the power to change this but most of us do not believe in our ability to do so. Successful therapy helps develop a sense of self-worth and our ability to trust and enjoy loving healthy relationships. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. It is easy to label a bully a coward. They manipulate, undermine and humiliate. The label may be correct, but it does not offer an insight into how to deal with them. Instead, it may be useful to consider a bully for what they are: an immature and unruly child who is constantly trying to gain the approval of an imaginary parent.
You may recognise two types of bully; the first is easily recognisable. They will constantly undermine, verbally attack, and humiliate their victim in front of others. One becomes increasingly anxious about what they are going to do or say next. The second type is more subtle. They can initially present as caring for everyone. However, listening to their language offers insight into their true behaviour: “Look what I am doing for everyone.”. Constantly expecting thanks and compliments but ignorant to issues. When this type of bully is appropriately challenged, they may be initially dismissive. When the challenge continues, they will become just as aggressive as the other bully type. What links both types of bully is the immature behaviour they display when appropriately challenged. Their body language becomes defensive. You may notice they ignore you even when you are part of the group. I am always reminded of a petulant child who is not getting what they want. They may act like a petulant child, but you are not their parent. It is understandable to continually reflect on why they are picking on you. However, this can promote an idea of helplessness. Perhaps it is more constructive to consider how they are affecting you and how to counteract their behaviour. Try to consciously stay calm during interactions regardless of how you feel inside. Do not feed their drama but do not submit to it either. If you feel confident enough, reflect that you find their tone and behaviour inappropriate. Continue with this response even when their drama intensifies. This will intimidate the bully and make them question the power they thought they have over you. If you are a union member, contact your representative or official to explore a strategy. Therapy can help you process what the experience is doing to your self-worth and how to overcome feelings of anxiety and stress. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. The confidence we have interacting with others is initially determined by our upbringing and the level of self-worth we have developed.
As an adult, it is healthy to be treated as an equal by others and to treat them the same. In other words, we want to be treated with respect. Sometimes someone is continually telling us what to do or trying to take care of us. This can make us feel childlike and lack control. It can be supportive, but we do not want to be stuck feeling like the “Child” in a relationship. Sometimes we feel someone is treating us like a “Child”. This can result in feeling patronised, controlled or bullied. We can also become the “Parent” in a relationship by dominating decision making. This can help us lead projects or take care of someone. However, we do not want to feel that we are constantly responsible for other adults. Also, those who continually want us to take charge or care for them may be manipulating the situation to get what they want. In other words, they make us the “Parent”. It can be difficult to step back and ask another adult to take ownership of their responsibilities. When interacting with other adults there are two aspects to consider; the first is that our personality determines our initial responses. We may feel anxious, annoyed, dismissive etc. The second is the other person’s behaviour. This is determined by their personality. It is healthier to concentrate on our own feelings and behaviour. This can be difficult. A colleague may be constantly asking for support or compelling us to take control like a demanding “Child”. A partner may constantly make us feel like a “Child” when discussing important issues. Regardless of the other person’s behaviour and the way we feel inside, try to consciously stay in the “Adult” role. Stay calm and objective. This will help keep the balance of power equal. Initially, we may find the other person’s behaviour becoming even more desperate because their approach is no longer working. By keeping in the “Adult” role, we develop confidence within ourselves. For more information on these ideas, you can search online for a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. I am fascinated by the way those with hardened views on politics use social media to affirm their beliefs and attack others who question them. I am not writing about the vast majority of users who have an opinion on day to day politics. Instead, those who will share any post as long as it re-affirms their stated belief, regardless of whether or not it is factually correct. This plays an important role in politics because it allows groups to build a myth to aspire to, but also an outside group to demonise.
Psychologists call this Cognitive Dissonance; continually changing facts and truths to support our point of view. Psychologists believe that Cognitive Dissonance is a natural human trait. This can be dangerous because we reject facts that do not suit. We lie to ourselves. Holding onto these beliefs, we reject and attack anything that questions them. Some therapists call this Splitting; the opinion is either “right & good” or “wrong & bad”. There is no in between. For most, social media can be dismissed. Unfortunately, entrenched beliefs can undermine our day to day lives. Take for example in the workplace. An office manager may be impressed by the results of one of his team leaders. Unfortunately, the team leader is a bully and disruptive influence within the team. It is clear that the team succeeds despite her and could achieve more with a better team leader. However, when members of the team find the courage to confide in the office manager, he may reject their experiences. He has invested in the narrative that his team leader is successful. In defence, he might question the attitude some team members have towards their team leader. The team leader herself may not be capable of change; she has always been “rewarded” for her behaviour by managers who only notice the results she presents. This environment can become toxic with two opposing groups becoming even more entrenched. Mental and physical health can deteriorate within the opposing camps. Productivity becomes negatively affected and there is potential for reputational damage to the team, office and organisation. All this because the office manager lies to himself and refuses to reconsider the “truth” he has created. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. |
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