|
Although it is not a question I tend to ask during therapy, I am always interested when a client with at least two children states they do not have a favourite child. It is good to hear, however when I ask who their parents’ favourite child was, they nearly always offer a different answer.
The relationships we develop, or lack, with the most important adults in our life from birth is crucial. This is usually, but not always one of our parents. It has a direct effect on our ability to form healthy relationships with others and is one of the most important factors in defining our personality and mental health. Some therapists refer to this as Attachment theory. Copying and learning from a primary caregiver is a fundamental building block to life. Yet children are not simply a sponge. They are active learners who will internalise and practice these lessons in a way which is particular to them. Many will grow up to have a Secure Attachment. This means that by and large they are good at maintaining relationships. It does not mean they will not be exasperated or hurt by others. However, they can recognise and protect themselves from hurtful relationships and take responsibility for their own actions. They have developed a healthy level of self-worth. Unfortunately, they are vulnerable to being manipulated by others. Some of us will develop an Insecure Attachment. This means we lack the ability to trust that relationships, and our role in them, can be successful or that we can be happy and safe. Here are a few statements we may recognise in ourselves or others: “Relationships always fail; it is better to be prepared because it always happens.” “I have never been listened to. No-one cares what I think.” “They will finally see that I am not good enough and find someone else.” “I do not deserve to be happy.” These are examples of Insecure Attachments. We cannot trust our own potential to be happy in a relationship. We have the power to change this but most of us do not believe in our ability to do so. Successful therapy helps develop a sense of self-worth and our ability to trust and enjoy loving healthy relationships. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you.
0 Comments
It is easy to label a bully a coward. They manipulate, undermine and humiliate. The label may be correct, but it does not offer an insight into how to deal with them. Instead, it may be useful to consider a bully for what they are: an immature and unruly child who is constantly trying to gain the approval of an imaginary parent.
You may recognise two types of bully; the first is easily recognisable. They will constantly undermine, verbally attack, and humiliate their victim in front of others. One becomes increasingly anxious about what they are going to do or say next. The second type is more subtle. They can initially present as caring for everyone. However, listening to their language offers insight into their true behaviour: “Look what I am doing for everyone.”. Constantly expecting thanks and compliments but ignorant to issues. When this type of bully is appropriately challenged, they may be initially dismissive. When the challenge continues, they will become just as aggressive as the other bully type. What links both types of bully is the immature behaviour they display when appropriately challenged. Their body language becomes defensive. You may notice they ignore you even when you are part of the group. I am always reminded of a petulant child who is not getting what they want. They may act like a petulant child, but you are not their parent. It is understandable to continually reflect on why they are picking on you. However, this can promote an idea of helplessness. Perhaps it is more constructive to consider how they are affecting you and how to counteract their behaviour. Try to consciously stay calm during interactions regardless of how you feel inside. Do not feed their drama but do not submit to it either. If you feel confident enough, reflect that you find their tone and behaviour inappropriate. Continue with this response even when their drama intensifies. This will intimidate the bully and make them question the power they thought they have over you. If you are a union member, contact your representative or official to explore a strategy. Therapy can help you process what the experience is doing to your self-worth and how to overcome feelings of anxiety and stress. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. The confidence we have interacting with others is initially determined by our upbringing and the level of self-worth we have developed.
As an adult, it is healthy to be treated as an equal by others and to treat them the same. In other words, we want to be treated with respect. Sometimes someone is continually telling us what to do or trying to take care of us. This can make us feel childlike and lack control. It can be supportive, but we do not want to be stuck feeling like the “Child” in a relationship. Sometimes we feel someone is treating us like a “Child”. This can result in feeling patronised, controlled or bullied. We can also become the “Parent” in a relationship by dominating decision making. This can help us lead projects or take care of someone. However, we do not want to feel that we are constantly responsible for other adults. Also, those who continually want us to take charge or care for them may be manipulating the situation to get what they want. In other words, they make us the “Parent”. It can be difficult to step back and ask another adult to take ownership of their responsibilities. When interacting with other adults there are two aspects to consider; the first is that our personality determines our initial responses. We may feel anxious, annoyed, dismissive etc. The second is the other person’s behaviour. This is determined by their personality. It is healthier to concentrate on our own feelings and behaviour. This can be difficult. A colleague may be constantly asking for support or compelling us to take control like a demanding “Child”. A partner may constantly make us feel like a “Child” when discussing important issues. Regardless of the other person’s behaviour and the way we feel inside, try to consciously stay in the “Adult” role. Stay calm and objective. This will help keep the balance of power equal. Initially, we may find the other person’s behaviour becoming even more desperate because their approach is no longer working. By keeping in the “Adult” role, we develop confidence within ourselves. For more information on these ideas, you can search online for a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. I am fascinated by the way those with hardened views on politics use social media to affirm their beliefs and attack others who question them. I am not writing about the vast majority of users who have an opinion on day to day politics. Instead, those who will share any post as long as it re-affirms their stated belief, regardless of whether or not it is factually correct. This plays an important role in politics because it allows groups to build a myth to aspire to, but also an outside group to demonise.
Psychologists call this Cognitive Dissonance; continually changing facts and truths to support our point of view. Psychologists believe that Cognitive Dissonance is a natural human trait. This can be dangerous because we reject facts that do not suit. We lie to ourselves. Holding onto these beliefs, we reject and attack anything that questions them. Some therapists call this Splitting; the opinion is either “right & good” or “wrong & bad”. There is no in between. For most, social media can be dismissed. Unfortunately, entrenched beliefs can undermine our day to day lives. Take for example in the workplace. An office manager may be impressed by the results of one of his team leaders. Unfortunately, the team leader is a bully and disruptive influence within the team. It is clear that the team succeeds despite her and could achieve more with a better team leader. However, when members of the team find the courage to confide in the office manager, he may reject their experiences. He has invested in the narrative that his team leader is successful. In defence, he might question the attitude some team members have towards their team leader. The team leader herself may not be capable of change; she has always been “rewarded” for her behaviour by managers who only notice the results she presents. This environment can become toxic with two opposing groups becoming even more entrenched. Mental and physical health can deteriorate within the opposing camps. Productivity becomes negatively affected and there is potential for reputational damage to the team, office and organisation. All this because the office manager lies to himself and refuses to reconsider the “truth” he has created. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. Memories are reminders of experiences from the past that our minds have stored and filed. So for example; the event (we were talking), the physical feeling (it was cold), and the emotional feeling (I was scared) are processed and filed in our long-term memory. We have learned to interact with the world around us in reference to our memories. This is the basis of how we experience stress, anxiety and make decisions in our day to day lives. Some therapists call this our unconscious.
Despite being from anytime in our past, when the memory returns, it can be powerful and overwhelming. We experience the feelings; shame, anger, sadness etc, as strongly as ever whether we want to or not. Often we do not understand why we are recalling the memory. Memories can also be less specific offering only a sense of unease, stress and anxiety. The experience of the memory might be fleeting but the feelings may linger. The negative memories we experience can undermine our sense of self-worth over time and the ability to function in our day to day lives. Unfortunately, we do not always remember why we feel bad, we just know we do. Memories can be overwhelming, debilitating and ultimately affect our long-term health. Unfortunately, sometimes our family, friends and colleagues are not capable of understanding how profoundly our memories are overwhelming us. How does therapy help? There are several excellent types of therapy that can help you overcome debilitating memories and the feelings we experience. Behavioural therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help you understand that feelings are thought processes that determine your behaviour. By understanding and changing the way you think and approach an issue, you can overcome negative feelings and behaviours. Humanistic therapies such as person-centred therapy, offers a safe space to acknowledge and express your feelings. By coming to terms with the feelings, they will no longer dominate your life. Clinical therapies such as psychodynamic therapy helps you explore when, why and how feelings were formed in your past and stored as memories. This allows you to fundamentally change the relationship with past events so they no longer control your present through debilitating feelings. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. Current psychological research suggests that we mature as adults by the age of 24. This means that personality sets by the age of 24. In essence, we are who we are, unless we experience a physical or psychological trauma to the brain. Some psychologists support this idea by pointing to the success of personality tests. Although personality tests can be popular with large organisations for recruitment, they can also be misleading and potentially pigeon hole us. The tests do not recognise different aspects to our personalities.
Instead, perhaps it is more useful to think of our personality as a tool box. As we grow up we develop 20 plus tools (reactions, beliefs and behaviours) in the box. However, we also develop an over reliance on two or three of these tools regardless of the situation we find ourselves in. This is a result of our development and the way we learned to interact with our world; relationships, goals, beliefs and attitudes. Unfortunately, we may have the capacity to reflect our reactions were wrong (by experiencing feelings of guilt and shame) but believe we lack the ability to change. Often we lack the awareness to understand that we are hurting ourselves and others. The goal of therapy is to help you recognise that you are not limited in life to using the same two or three tools for every situation. By exploring and processing your beliefs, behaviours and reactions, you will recognise why an over-reliance on the same two or three tools may have been damaging for you over the years. Also, successful therapy gives you the opportunity to explore the different tools within your toolbox and consider the correct one to use given the situation, and the confidence to use it. You will be able to utilise less used aspects of your personality which are more appropriate for what you want to achieve in life. Your personality may not have changed but your ability to deal positively with your negative reactions, beliefs and behaviours can. Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Choose the therapy and therapist you feel speaks to you. For most of us who have undergone therapy, it becomes a life changing experience helping us to overcome many issues and (re)build a sense of self-worth. However, it can also be a financial investment. So it is important to choose the right therapist for you.
Where do I start? Your employer or health insurance may offer short-term therapy at no cost. If this is available to you, I strongly recommend you start there. Short-term therapy helps you begin to process your issues and relieve the initial symptoms. It also demonstrates the benefits of therapy to your life. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and sometimes counselling is available through the NHS. Unfortunately, there tends to be a long waiting list but that should not stop you from asking your GP for a referral. While you are waiting, check if your employer or health insurance offers short-term therapy. There may be a local charity near you that offers therapy at a cut price rate. However, you will probably not be able to choose your therapist or type of therapy. I don’t have these options or I have exhausted these options Looking for a long-term therapist can be confusing. There are excellent websites that therapists will advertise on. These sites guarantee that the therapist is properly trained, registered and insured. I have included several of these sites for the UK below. If you can afford to choose a therapist, here are some things to consider:
What type of therapy should I choose? Many therapists will offer compelling reasons to invest in their type of therapy. Personally, I am persuaded by research that suggests it is the quality of the relationship between the client and therapist that counts. This is called the Therapeutic Alliance. Then choose whatever type of therapy speaks to you: again, read the paragraph they have on their page and consider what they tell you over the phone. Therapy offers a life changing opportunity to develop long-term positive mental health and self-worth. Helpful websites to finding a therapist British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (BACP) www.bacp.co.uk Counselling Directory www.counselling-directory.org.uk Counselling and Psychotherapy in Scotland (COSCA) www.counselling-directory.org.uk |
Musings of a therapist.ArchivesCategories |
RSS Feed
©
Napier Counselling 2019.